omg it's worse than I thought

I have poor self image. Everyone knows that. But this photo from last nights yoga and Mala making workshop even took me back a lot. I gasped out loud. I AM FAT. Not overweight. Not out-of-shape. FAT. 

I just want to vomit looking at it. I need to print it out poster size and place it everywhere there is food in my house to stop me from eating.

I took the workshop because I was interested in finding out about Mala's. 

The yoga was the first hour or so, and since I haven't really done yoga this year I did worse than normal. I also get less flexible every day. I don't know why. The studio was hot and I sweated like a pig. I was even nausious ... I thought I was going to vomit. But I didn't. Thank goodness. 

There was a break for brief meal of fruit and a five lentil Indian khichri. I think it was soup, but turned more paste-like as it sat. Then it was time to make the Mala. They are kind-of like Indian prayer beads. Basically they keep count of your chants. There is max of 108 beads (must be divisible by 9), the guru bead, a crown bead and the lotus flower (tassel). It looks really easy to put together, but it isn't. It took about an hour. She also gave us instructions on how to develop your own manta, and then bring it down to one word.

As you string the beads you're supposed to infuse your energy into each bead. It should be done with purpose. Since all my energy is negative, I concentrated on just counting the beads so the Mala was constructed correctly. 

The beads came out nice. I'll just hang them in my office with all my other global items. A lot of people at the workshop have had eastern religious awakenings. They believe in the power of yoga and goddesses and even chanting. I don't. I believe in nothing. Yoga frustrates me rather than reduces my stress. I can't sit still for meditation. Chanting is just silly. At least to me. But I have to find something to bring down my blood pressure other than more drugs. Exercise is not doing it.

I had planned on returning to better eating on August 1. I have been saying that since January. Seeing that picture will help me keep that commitment.