put on my big girl panties

 Yesterday I went to yoga again. Then at bedtime did 100 deep breaths. It didn't help me fall asleep. Actually it the the most active day of afib since I went back into it Christmas Eve.

Today I didn't have as much work to do -- I've been putting in 8 hours days all break. It was about 2:30 and  I put on my big girl panties and coat and then headed out to simply walk around the block. Such a simple task was terrifying. I told Pat my exact route just in case I didn't come back. (Left up the hill to Sioux, right on Christian, right on Itaska, and then right on Bishopthorpe. I took the pic at the cemetery to show I made it to the top of the hill. But I did stop once. But I think that was more out of caution than need.

I sauntered. I did not speed walk. I looked at the house they gutted. Checked out the Christmas decorations, and made it home in one piece. I didn't pass out or run out of breath. My heart rate was up but its always up. I have no idea what normal feels like any more.

Tomorrow I'm going to Hellner.  Who knew baby walks could be rewarding.

yoga, movement and surgery date

 

The last time I posted ... Monday?... I mentioned that I signed up for a couple virtual AARP classes. The first one was yesterday. I had trouble finding it. I kept looking for the Zoom link. It was on Facebook, live from Alabama. It was listed as "Mindful Movement Workout Session". The listing said "Put on your stretchy clothes and join in as health educator Jerri Haslem leads attendees in a variety of low-impact exercises ranging from chair movements to light weight-training exercises, with an emphasis on moving mindfully. Practicing mindful movement — paying attention as you move to what’s going on in your body —  can help you ease tension and find calm in stressful situations as well as enjoy feelings of well-being." Imagine my surprise when the instructor was standing. She began with squat like movement. My knees said hell no. I only stuck around 10 minutes. I couldn't do a single thing other than march in place. I didn't get to the chair or meditation portion.

I barely made it in time. I had a doctor's appointment first. Being in AFib I knew what the end result would be — ablation. today I found out it's scheduled for February 12. I'll be having my first CT scan he week before.  I got a book to read and it's got lots of gross pictures.

Today I received a text from Pam asking how I was and did I want to do yoga Friday. I said sure and went into the app to schedule. It wasn't there. Pat said, "well it's Wednesday you can go today." So I mentioned that to Pam and we ended up going. And it was my favorite instructor, not the regular Wednesday one.

 

As I'm driving home I remembered that I signed up for that class in Alaska. Again, after stopping at the grocery store, I barely made it home in time. This one was called "Chair Stretch and Strength". The listing said: "The chair exercises in this stretching and strengthening workout are low-impact movements performed while seated that are designed to improve flexibility, strength and cardiovascular health. We begin with a head-to-toe warm-up of dynamic and static exercises to stretch the muscles and connective tissue. Next, we’ll do a series of mild stretching and strengthening movements integrated with your breath. Midway, we’ll pause for a three-minute guided relaxation. " It was as advertised. We never got out of the chair. We stretched everything that could be stretch. It was weights, yoga, mindfulness, qi chong, tapping and even laughter yoga. The savasana was in the middle, which was odd. 

This was not the instructors first time at the rodeo. He knew his shit. And he probably knows all those forms of ancient movement. He also mentioned that he also taught Tai Chi virtually.

The weirdest thing was he had everyone turn OFF their video. I have never been in a zoom where that has happened. Usually you're being begged to turn it on.

Pat thought it was silly. But I actually liked it, in a touchy-feelly-granola-hippie way. And if it keeps my AFib in check I'm all in.

twas the night before christmas

Paper Christmas tree from Bonnie. I took this when it arrived. Now the mirror is covered with cards. The only indicators that there might be a holiday happening. My decorations are in the attic covered with 20 years of dust.

I've felt pretty good since I've been out of the hospital. I went to my yoga class on Friday. I vacuumed. Cleaned a bathroom and did laundry twice. I went grocery shopping, twice. I planned to go back to Moving With Milly. And finally, get my ass walking again. I don't even have Christmas stress. It's just another Tuesday in this house.  Everything seemed right with the world. My follow up appointment is Tuesday morning.

I have a lot of work to do over break.  I made this list about three weeks ago. The BC's are done for Angel. As are the bookmarks. The typo has been fixed. That leaves four major projects to be done during Winter Break. Then I need to prep my classes. The Graphics 2 and History classes have been replaced by one Type course.

None of these projects are a lot of work. I did the "dentist" Saturday, and "Otto" yesterday. I felt no stress. They are drafts after all. I actually felt like I accomplished something. The plan was to do middle school today. That potential history book? It arrived this morning which I find quite remarkable since the author is a Christian minister. You'd think this would be the busy season for that profession.

Last night -- it was after seven -- as I was making the PDF of "Otto" my email dinged. I thought who the hell is sending me emails Christmas Eve? I looked. A project that I was involved in 2-years ago has come back to haunt me. I thought I was just cleaning up the file, but it came with a long list of suggestions and questions. Plus this dreaded sentence: "I am still editing the stories one last time but I wanted to get this to you." I replied, let me know when you are done. I'm not doing it twice. I may hear from her in June. Bottom line, this project is so far down on the to-do list it might fall off. I was pissed. Not stressed. 

I watched some mindless television and went to bed. Had no trouble getting up the stairs. Crawled into bed and the afib started. Why? My sister in law says it's tricky to figure out the triggers. I ended up having to take 100 deep breaths to fall asleep. And count backwards from 100 twice. I know I don't want the hospital again. I know I don't want more freaking drugs.  But I will spend part of the evening moving my work into Dropbox just in case. I also need to cast off this impending doom feeling I have. I usually get this way at the end of the year, but this year it's magnified 100 fold.

However, I was optimistic and signed up for three AARP classes this morning. The one originates out of Alaska. One out of Alabama. Both had stretching and mindfulness in their titles. And I'll go to yoga Friday.

Baby steps. Will I slay this dragon?

my new route

 

Yesterday morning I was given the all clear to walk with supervision. Yesterday afternoon I was given the all clear to walk alone as long as I didn't leave the floor.  One trip around I noticed this sign. 

This morning I noticed more. Then I found it. The start line. I don't think I'll have time for the whole 1/2 mile or five loops. The PA was just in here and they are scheduling me to be zapped. I am not looking forward to it, but if it gets me out of here, then let's do it.

The zapping event is the reason this sign is on my door.

Fingers crossed.

go for a walk, end up in the hospital

 

Yesterday was the volkssport walk in historic Bethlehem. I knew I was walking, I didn't feel well enough. But after having a really pretty good day Friday, I was planning on meeting the walkers at the Hotel B. It's free meter parking during December so I grabbed a spot at the church side of the Moravian Book Store. I started to walk up the hill to the crosswalk, and I was out of breath. I waited for traffic and then started to cross barely making it across the street. I nearly fell. I grabbed a post and breathed heavily. When my breath returned I head to the hotel. I barely made it inside. The walkers were ready to call 911.

I promised them I'd go to the ER. After they headed out on the walk, I worked my way back to the car. I stopped three times. I met the Grinch.

Thankfully the ER was empty. They took me right in. Then the very long day began. They game me several rounds of drugs and talked about options. I was no longer standing so I felt better. One option was to check in and have an ablation. I didn't want that. That's very aggressive.

During one of the long wait periods I turned on the TV and had assigned videos to watch. It was like health class in the 60s.

Around four I was released. I had three injectables, and 360 mg of something I already take, plus Lasix. I barely made it out the ER. By the time I reached the car I thought I should go back in. I didn't. I went to Target to pick up my RX. I needed a buggy to walk without stopping. I got back in the car and called Bonnie. She agreed. Go back to the hospital.

So I did. It was standing room only. Thankfully I was still wearing my bracelet and had my discharge papers. I only waited 15 minutes. And then the waiting began again. This time they they decided to keep me. Give me the drugs thru IV.

I got to my room and immediately used the bathroom. They wouldn't let me go in the ER. My bladder was about to burst. I went three times in two hours. I named her Penelope. Penelope Pole. I had to call every time I went to the bathroom. I went to bed at 8:30. I was so bored I was exhausted. I hadn't eaten since breakfast.

Today they woke me at 4:20 for blood work and vitals. I couldn't go back to sleep. They gave me food. The doctor came in around 8 and said maybe I could go home Monday. They are hoping I convert myself. If not I'm getting zapped tomorrow. Basically they knock you out and use those paddles like they use to bring you back to life. Sounds like it hurts. Sounds scary. Sounds dangerous.

Bonnie stopped by and stopped at my house for my computer and a phone charger. Angel stopped by. I texted a lot of people and then started grading. Hospital or not it is final exam week. 

seven weeks since I last posted.

Why? because there has been nothing to post about, exercise wise anyway.

I have five classes this term in two states. That's my excuse for not working out. It stinks. And I could work out with that schedule, I've done it before. And there's actually a few places I'd like to check out including the poetry walk at NCC.

Physically I'm in shambles and have just had the worse week of my life. Most days when I went to bed I was unsure if I'd wake up in the morning. And of course that just makes things worse.

The downward health spiral started around Thanksgiving/birthday. It was a perfect storm. 

Ball 1: I work in Jersey for one of my jobs. They offer life insurance. I know I don't qualify, but I have to jump thru the hoops. I did the mini application,  full application, and just received the "we need to contact your doctor" letter. The next letter that comes should be the rejected letter.

Strike 1: Back in October I signed up for a Part D RX plan. But I informed the state one day late and they auto enrolled me in a second. In the meantime, "my plan" sent me a letter saying I had to pay a late enrollment penalty because I didn't sign up for Part D when I signed up for medicare. Surprise. Then I got the letter saying welcome to the second plan. Two calls to a call center in India yielded no results so I ended up calling medicare. The person that answered the phone assured me that my plan was in place, and told me the price. About $9 more than I planned. Yep, that late enrollment penalty fee.

 

Strike 2: Then it was time to look for healthcare. I had till Dec. 7. You've seen all the ads. Old celebrities that Boomers loved in the 60s and 70s touting the benefits of Advantage Plans. And hip seniors touting the benefits of mainstream supplement plans. My mailbox got hit pretty hard by Highmark.

What a pain in the ass. I was not doing an advantage plan. Though you pay nothing up front they nickle and dime you with copays. I guess that's fine if you want to pay in small increments. I decided that I was just going to use the supplement service my sister's use. Easy peezy. Or so I thought. First I needed to sign up for AARP to get a discount. Then auto pay was another discount. When I started the price range was $137-$287 or something similar. With the discounts in place it dropped down to $110. Her plan, C was no longer available for people applying after 1/1/20. I start the application for G. They want a full medical history. The screen says it will take 20 minutes. I buckle down to work. I clicked AFib and the screen flashed. Odd. I clicked glaucoma and the screen flashed again. When I clicked to go to the next page I found out what the flashes were. The price going up. It was over $380, and I was five minutes in. My blood boiling, I hit cancel. I have gotten an email every day since asking to finish my application.

So then I started looking at the others. I signed up for one. It will increase my health care costs a month by about $250. (Plus $550 a quarter for medicare, and $10 for RX.) Maybe. It will be 4-6 weeks until I am approved. If not, it's back to paying that 20% copay.

Strike 3: Stress has been building in my classrooms. At the Jersey school things were okay. Their software is old, it's not really stressful. At the Pennsylvania school another instructor had the latest version of the software installed on the machines mid-term. I think it screwed with my projects. But students magazine projects were failing and I didn't know why. They were coming back from the printer with things missing from the pages. These were the best students, not the weak one. Was it that upgrade? 

In addition students are blowing off deadlines. They will make awful employees. Apparently another instructor is hammering them with a lot of work. They call him the "professor from hell". I wonder what they call me? They ask a lot of questions because they aren't listening, and they don't watch the videos. They need their hands held. Emails and Team messages will often be about "is this okay". I want to say figure it out yourself. I blame K-12. They are so busy studying to pass standardized tests that they no longer think independently. They just want it to be correct. 

You're Out: Last Monday night was stressful. I was pulled in five directions all at once. But I had walked from my remote parking space and back no problem. Tuesday I felt okay. I stopped at Angel's between classes and had some middle eastern food. Another stressful night at school. Damn I was tired when I went up to bed. The stairs kicked the shit out of me. Wednesday I was headed to Jersey and stopped at Wawa. I parked, walked in the door and barely made it past the register before I felt like I was going to collapse. I was so short of breath. I recovered pretty quickly and went back to the car and headed to school. All the stress kicked up the ducking AFib. Shit. I started deep breathing to calm my heart down. At 8:30 in the morning it's easy to park. I had to stop twice to get to the door, and I used the elevator. I stopped again on my to class. When I got to Pennsylvania, I used Pat's card and parked in the handicapped space. Every small walk I was out of breath.

It continued Thursday. In Jersey I again parked in the handicapped space. I didn't think I'd make it from the remote lot. Friday, I took Sharon to the doctor, and she wanted to go to Giant. I took a cart for fish, bread and milk. But I made it and wasn't too exhausted. I am my mother's daughter. I am a worry wort. Visions of hospitals and dying and everything in between were dancing in my head. It needed to stop. I needed to get out of my head. 

I went to yoga. (The instructor is a retired nurse. I told her what was going on.) It seemed to help, as did all the deep breathing. I decided then and there the weekend would be no-stress and kicking AFib's butt. I needed it to convert or I'd have to go have an ablation (I looked it up online. Yuck.) and I didn't want that.

Saturday I went to the grocery store with Pat. Again, I used a cart. I feel like an old lady doing that but I don't want a repeat of Wawa. Again, I did very little all day. I'd get tired walking to the bathroom and the garage. Sunday wasn't much better. I did manage to walk around Target with my cart while waiting fr my RX. And according to my fitbit I took a nap instead of watching skating. 

Maybe it's working. I don't feel as shitty today. I slept all night. Didn't even get up to pee. I walked to the garage without getting exhausted. And I only stopped once walking in from the parking lot. I still took the elevator.  But I walked to my classroom without stopping.

Maybe I converted. If I did it took a week. Let's see if I get a sleep score tomorrow. That's always a good indicator. I hope so. I have classes till the 21st. The worse of the term is over. Fingers crossed.