my big, expensive mistake

I am not an optimist. I am a realist. And today is the anniversary of my brothers death from heart disease. What the hell was I thinking going for tests today?

Friday I go to the family doctor. When I was there the last time she wanted a BMP and an electrocardiogram. Or so I thought. I looked online and EKGs ran up to about $200. Doable. The doctor wanted baseline test because of my high blood pressure.

I delay everything as long as possible and today was the big day. I went and got the blood work done this morning. I signed up for their cash payment card. it cost $10 and the test was $20. Without the card it was $55. Pretty much a no-brainer. Now all that was left to do is wait and worry about the results. Did I mention I don't do well on tests?

When I returned home I looked at the slip for the EKG, and called the number. I wanted to schedule an EKG. They told me it was drop in, and where to go at Muhlenberg and where to park.

I left for work an hour early, headed to the hospital, walked up to the second floor. One nice thing about the Lehigh Valley Hospitals is there is art in the hallways. Of course I took took way too much time looking at art. I signed in. They gave me a beeper. The last time I was anywhere like that you had a pick-a-number, like at the deli. There was a lot of people, but they called me quickly. I did the paper work and she sent me and my beeper out to wait again.

Five minutes later the girl that registered me came out and said, this isn't an EKG, it's an ECHOcardogram. An ultrasound. Shit.  I had the choice to stay and take the test in a half hour or schedule an appointment and leave. I decided to stay because there was no way in heck I was ever going back. It would give the doctor one less thing to lecture at me about which is a plus. But as I waited I thought that sounds expensive. I was trying to squash my bolting instinct.

I walked in the room and saw this machine and the dollar signs started dancing in my head. My heart was racing. I was almost crying. I wanted to run out of the room topless. The realization of what was about to happen hit. I bet she took a 100 pictures in 15 minutes. At places I didn't even think were heart related. Maybe I should have paid attention in science class. I was there less than a half hour. I have no idea what was in those pictures but I'm terrified.

Online I've read the test costs anywhere from $250 to almost 5  grand. With my luck it will be the high end, not the low end. I have no idea how I'll pay a large test bill AND fix the hole in the kitchen floor.  Not to mention what happens when they find something.

I'm fat, halfway to 60 and have high blood pressure with a history of bad luck. The fatalist in me knows that they will find something. I have no medical insurance. I can't do disease. Every time my cell phone rings I'm going to panic. I called Bonnie on the way to the car hoping she'd calm me down. Got voice mail. I nearly cried.

Friday terrifies me.