the 10th circle of Hell

The Divine Comedy written by Dante, is a 14th century epic poem about the Christian afterlife. I thought about it while I was at the gym today with the tears streaming down my face. I was certain I had entered the tenth circle of Hell. I was equally certain that Dante only mentioned nine. Nevertheless it gives me an excuse to use an Italian fresco in a walking blog and that's always a good thing.

I arrived for orientation at 11 sharp. But I forgot my ID card, so I had to go back to the adjunct office to get it. So we might have started at 11:10. I was taken back to the young man for my orientation. I think his name was Josh. It doesn't matter. He was barely old enough to have facial hair. I'm guessing he's one of the Colleges athletes.

He pulled out a goldenrod sheet of paper and took me thru the quick circuit. (Seated leg press, leg extension, leg curl, pulldown, chest press, shoulder press, biceps curl, triceps press, back extension, ab machine) Never asked my name, what my fitness goal was, nothing. He demoed each machine. I tried  it, and we went on to the next. I immediately forgot what he said about the prior machine. 10 minutes later we were done. He asked if I wanted the goldenrod paper. I said hell yes.  And then I was released into a gym alone. It wasn't pretty.

Instructions on the goldenrod paper. 1) Warm up with 5-10 minutes of light aerobic activity and mild flexibilty exercises. We only covered weight machines. So I thought I'd try the elliptical. Heard it was easy. After staring at it for a while I figured out how to make it work....sort of. I got it going and I was quickly zooming at 5mph and was ready for takeoff I managed to get it to stop, but then it erased everyhting I had already done from the monitor. Total time, maybe 2.5 minutes

So maybe that wasn't a good idea. Maybe I can get the treadmill to work. Turn that on and start walking. It's barely moving. I couldn't get it to go more than .25 miles per hour. Meanwhile around me people are running. Not a good sign. Should have went home then and there. But I was stupid and didn't.

2) Use a complete range of motion with each exercise to fully develop range strength and flexiblilty.  3) Never hold your breath while training. (Always a good rule of thumb. Makes life possible.) Try to exhale while exerting the muscles and inhale when return in to the starting position. (You're kidding right? This is one reason I can't do yoga. The whole controlling breathing thing drives me crazy.)

4) Move slower, never faster, if in doubt about the speed of movement. 5) Select a  resistance of weight that allows you to complete: Beginner: 12-15 repetitions. Form should be smooth and steady thru the full range of motion. If the min. number of reps is not achieved, the weight is too heavy. If the max can be exceeded, then the weight is too light. (Swell. How about giving me some starting point and then work from there. The machines are all set at 250 pounds and 100 pound 18-year-old girls are lifting them.)

6) Rest a min of 48 hrs and not more than 96 hrs between workouts. End of instructions.

So I went to the "seated leg press". My knee was supposed to line up with this gizmo and it didn't. I couldn't get the seat to move. I pulled, pushed, went up and down and left and right. Nothing. It worked fine when he did it. I tried it without moving the seat it hurt my knee.

It got worse from there. I could never find the right machine and walked around the gym trying to find them. Such a waste of time. I did manage to get one adjusted, but that's it. By the middle point the tears were streaming down my face and I was getting more and more frustrated. Everything hurt, I could never find the right weight, it was always to light or too heavy. Finally I was finished. Thank goodness. I was sweating like a pig and I didn't do much.

I decided to give the elipitcal a second shot. I picked one with the tv on. ESPN. Left it on  figuring ou the tv can wait for another day. Turned it on and got it moving and realized I was going backward. It said I was going 3.2 MPH which is about what I walk on the streets, but in 5 minutes I was exhausted but pushed on.

Then I had an epiphany. And it wasn't pretty. I thought all this walking and stair climbing I was doing had me in decent shape, cardio-wise. I have apparently been kidding myself. I'm not in any better shape than the Lazy-Boy potato that lives with me. That was quite a kick in the ass.

So for now, I'll go back but only to do the elliptical. (They don't have a stairmaster.) I only did 10 minutes today at 3.2 MPH. My first goal is 30 minutes. Then I'll up the speed and difficulty.

I'll save my money so that when I return to a gym for weight training, I can have a month or two with a personal trainer. I'll kill myself with those damn machines without one.

(Image from Wikipedia) Artist: Domenico di Michelino "Dante and his Poem", 1465, fresco, Florence Cathedral. Maybe someday I'll actually get to visit it.